Welcome back to another edition of The Impact Place, I am your host Mr. Impact "the online alter-ego." As I stated in my latest introduction, this next blog will be on Abusive Relationships. What prompted me to discuss this topic was the ramped increase in abuse in relationships (physical, emotion, sexual or etc). As I researched this topic, the abuse is mostly men on women. Some of my points may be made from a male on female abuse point of view. Now if there are any men reading this blog and you find yourself exhibiting this behavior, please come and find me so I can tell it to you that you are a disgrace to society and you really need serious help. I have had many (mostly female) friends that have endured these types of relationships, and to be quite honest with you, it makes me sick. Mostly because a mate has self-esteem issues and or does not know how to maintain a healthy relationship. Now maybe the abuser never lived around a healthy relationship environment and violence is the norm that is set for relationships. So this behavior is exhibited on the abuser. But as I discussed these issues with the victims they all say the same thing “I don’t know what to do.” Well since I am not in a position of a victim (because I never been abused) I can’t speak from experience. Now let’s think about this for a second and say that you have a relationship and the man is abusing the women. I honestly think that the abusers choose their pray and they just don’t do this type of behavior with anyone. This is calculated so that the abuser gets what they want. Now for me being on the outside I don’t know what the hell it is that you want and by obtaining it through abuse is not the answer. So to the abusers I say that whatever you want … get it your damn self. You should not compromise your relationship, your integrity and someone’s beauty because of your selfish ways. I figure that I show that there are different types of abuse that can be displayed in the relationship.
There are certain types of abuse and they are described below:
Emotional abuse – This when the abuser do things to put your down, calls you names, wants you to stop spending time with friends and family. This can at times be more damaging as physical abuse because this hurts the self-esteem of the victim through the ways of words and actions.
Physical abuse – This involves any kind of abuse that extends to punching, kicking, slapping, pushing, shoving or even threatening to inflict bodily harm to you.
Sexual abuse – This can be in forms that you may be forced to have sex against your will. Rape can be a form of this behavior.
All the forms of abuse that I just describe make me nauseous as I continue to write this blog. People do these acts as they try to maintain dominance in their relationships. Well hey, if this is a way for them to say that they are in charge in the relationship then guess what (this may be hard to grasp, brace for impact); you are not in charge at all. They are doing this simply out of fear that they are not in control. I always thought that they do not know how to continuously please their partner so they move on to these antics to keep them around. Now they next question is, if you are getting abused then why don’t you just leave?
Well I have asked this question to many victims and they say that it is not that easy and that they don’t know. They stay around for multiple reasons such as;
- Staying committed to the relationship;
- Maintaining financial stability;
- Fearing to ask for help because of scrutiny;
- They don’t feel strong enough to leave because of the power that has been taken away from them by their abuser; or
- They are afraid of what will happen when their partner leaves.
These reasons give them a justification that they can pitch to their support system when they are posed with the question of “why do you stay?” Now I honestly think that up to a certain point you can’t help a person that does not want to help themselves. There are many programs in the system that is set to help you deal with or avoid this type of behavior and if you do not utilize these then I can’t exercise any sympathy for you in the end. I do not want to sound cold hearted because as I stated before I do not condone this behavior. Now I know that may sound cynical but we have all witnessed friends and family that continue to stay around and we become a bit hesitant to assist because this has became the norm in the relationship and if they do not want out, you are not going to help them.
When you are abused in a relationship, there are things that are taken away from you like your self-esteem, your rights, respect and etc. Now think about the respect portion of this; if you were at work with your peers etc and you was disrespected, would you allow for this behavior to continue. I bet the answer is no and of course it should be. So what makes the respect in a relationship any different? You have rights in a relationship and with that aspect all of those rights will continue to dwindle and be violated one by one until you have no rights at all. Then your mate is coming home and telling you what the hell to do. There is not much to say, because the power is now given to them.
I have come across many people who have been abused and noticed that they want out of the relationship but do not know how. Well I can tell you that it is a process and you may have to go through it alone or maybe with family and friends. It is ok to ask for help because this is the first sign that you want to let go. You should stay away from your partner as much as possible. They will try to continue to contact you as they still have emotional ties to you. Also go and take out a Restraining Order (if it is that serious) and the police department should be happy to accommodate you. Now bear in mind that you are not the only one that is going through this issue so the protection programs are overworked and highly underpaid. But they will do their best to uphold the law. Then if you really want out then you can file for a divorce (this is with the intention that you are married). As this is putting your partner on notice that you do not want to deal with it anymore and you are a better person.. You have to understand that when you are abused that the person takes you for granted and does not really care about you. Now please do not give me this love thing. Love does not allow you to scar someone or take their identity away from them. I am very indifferent against that statement when it is made.
In the end you need to know that you are worth something. By staying around in this relationship you damage everything that you stood for. You do not know who you are and you do not love yourself anymore. I know that getting out of it is easier said than done because of circumstances (being accustomed to the behavior, society, financial responsibility etc), also you can do bad all by yourself and you do not need that person in order to exist. They do not define who you are and only you can do that. Once you are tired you will let go and it is a process that you have to be committed to make. Also before you get back into the next relationship be sure that you are not doing it for the wrong reasons and do not continue to perpetuate the abuse cycle. It is not your fault that this behavior continues and you should not hold yourself accountable. For the people that display this abusive behavior, I think that you should find out what it is that you gain by this behavior and whether really feels that it is right or wrong.
Signing off,
Truly yours,
//s//
Mr. Impact "the online alter-ego"
6 comments:
Ok, so do you think it's really necessary to introduce yourself for each post? I think your readers are well familiar with you now, so much so that you can just get to business!
And so you state that you researched this topic, and you have a gigantic blog posted here. But why don't we get to see any research? Where are you hiding it? (Basically, why no links or references?) Take us further than from your specific experiences. Show us that you're basing your knowledge on many pieces of data...take the emotion *out* of your text enough that we can sense the clarity of what you're saying. In a nutshell: say more specifically.
For example: in the last portion of this post, are you speaking of a specifc abuse situation? Your readers will appreciate the concrete data; the links to helpful sites, and the ability to really interact with real situations. Give us that little bit more.
Finally, keep watching for word use (ramped vs. rampant) and excess punctuation...
I thought if a couple or family members loved each other there had no any problem in their relationship. However, a couple or family members have made some issues in their relationship consistently, even though they love each other. Especially a couple makes more trouble than a family does. Two members of a couple have grown up and lived in very different environment each other. Even though their coupling based on love, their
thought and way of lives have conflicted very often. It is not easy to assimilate their different cultures which they have grown up with. My husband and I have grown up with extreamly different culture. I thought we would not get in any trouble in our relationship after marriage because we loved so much each other. However, now we have argued consistantly. We do not try to understand our different culture each other relatively.
For good relationship of a couple or a family, we should not insist only our own opinion. We should be generous and make a concession each other.
This is the first time I read your blog entry and I must say it is quite interesting. Although, some points I did see were a bit incomplete. For example, when you say, "I have come across many people who have been abused and noticed that they want out of the relationship but do not know how." I was a little confused because you talk about this, and then all of a sudden you say, "Well I can tell you that it is a process and you may have to go through it alone or maybe with family and friends." I felt as if something was missing and you were supposed to say something but you left it out. You talk about knowing people in this type of situation and then you start discussing it is a type of process. I think your idea was a bit incomplete and you could've supported what you wrote with some examples. Also, when you say "..it is a process and you may have to go through it.." What type of process are you talking about and what do you have to go through? I think you just need a little bit of completeness in your ideas because your blog entries are already nice, but with a little editing your blog will be as good as ever!!
Happy Birthday Mr. Impact
I have to say I have done a lot of research on domestic violence and even mediate a group of women who have suffered from very serious forms of domestic violence. Your perspective is way too simplistic. First of all any woman can fall prey to abuse, it is not just a woman with self-respect issues, or any other of the cliche reasons. You really need to understand that some of these women are millionairs, highly successful and hold very important prestigous jobs. Because they are self sufficient in every aspect in life, does not save them from the psychopath behavior of abuse. If a man began by hitting the woman on the first date, she would run like hell. These men don't work like that. They begin by being loving, sweet, showering affection on the woman they have targeted and once they know she has fallen, the truth comes out. This is usually months to years after the relationship has begun and during that time he has used all weapons in his arson to knock her down with words, then taken away her indepence, leaving her depending on only him. He does not do this cruely but with what is called passive aggressive behavior, making her feel wrong constantly, making her question herself, until only doubt remains. He is very suave and easily manipulates her into a position of self doubt, without her even being aware. These women are smart, beautiful, successful, yet this man has the power to erase the years of self esteem, leaving her doubting and afraid. Then the physical comes into play, he hits her the first time, sends flowers and apologizes, "it will never happen again, but you pushed me to it", is a very common line. From there the violence grows within the man and the fear within the woman. Some are lucky to have support and family to help them escape, but even this is difficult due to the threats of finding her, hurting her family and various other manipulative tactics. To walk away is one of the hardest things she can do, maybe because of the fear, maybe because of the comfort, but probably because of the hope that she can change him, which is what we women strive for throughout our romantic relationships. It is a much more complicated situation than to just leave and those who have had the power to walk away have often ended up dead, burned (remember that one) or just emotionally void.
When I lived in Denmark about 5 years ago I remember one day I went jogging and a Danish man came up to me and said "Would you like to go with me to a concert tonight?" I said "No thank you" and he said "My mother always told me when a woman says no to respect her." and he went away, no questions asked. The same night that I returned from Denmark after a year I went to a nightclub with my friend and my butt was grabbed that very night. All I wanted to do was go back to Denmark where I knew I had no need to fear being fondled by some random pervert. America is only 200 years old and every other country on earth can brag about its history but us. We are supposed to be the leaders of the free world and our women are still being treated like dogs. Men in Europe know better than to touch a woman, even for a dance, without asking first. For the men out there, when are you going to grow up, act your age, and start treating women like human beings and not objects? Thank you Mr.Impact for posting this important blog.
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