And you say he's just a friend.......

To all the men, picture this, a night where you go out with your friends. There is this fine female across the room. You both feel the vibe and both of your interest levels have peaked. Usually after this moment is noticed from you, then you move in to get the contact information (phone number, e-mail etc) and you will be even luckier if she supply you hers.

During this time, you hang out, laugh, joke, and have an excellent time on future dates. So in the midst of this, you have come to a conclusion that you like this girl and you are thinking about approaching her and confessing your feelings. Now comes the time and you tell her, only to get the response of, “I just want us to be friends”.

This becomes damaging because you envisioned this as a potential person to date while all this time she did not see it this way. So you ask yourself where did you go wrong and when did she make this determination of making you a “friend”. She made this determination when you did not attract her as a lover and came across as a provider. To the men, make no mistake about it that a woman knows if you are interested in them. There is no man on this earth that will get a female’s number just to be their friend. But once you exhibit that friend like behavior is when you go into the friend zone and your changes of dating her have dropped tremendously.

There have been many occasions where I could never understand where I became in the “friend zone”. During my high school years I did not know what it was that the women wanted and the only way to communicate with them was to be their friend. Thus, I found myself on the outside looking in at all the women that I lost. So I ended up in the friend zone. Now in this zone you can’t do the following:

- Buy gifts (she does not need these from you, in fact she will be more apprehensive to take the gift from a “friend”. This also is that courting behavior that she does not need nor like);

- Call often (think about this for a second and say to yourself, how often do I call my friends? Same theory would apply here that she will call you until she wants to talk to you;

- Go out on dates (like she really wants to spend a night of anything remotely close to a date with a “friend”); and

- Have sex (need I say more, I know all you guys think that since she is opening up to you that she is going to bend. Not at all remember you are just a “friend”).

There are more of these rules that I have become familiar with but these are the most common. If you break any of these rules you will wind up in disappointment. Women have a tendency to try to keep the friendship around because she don’t want to risk losing you as a friend. That is fine if you want to be her friend genuinely, but if this is not your goal it is no need to stay around. You may think that staying around will help your chances but she has already made up her mind about you and more adamant about you two being friends. I honestly believe that women have a distinct advantage in the dating game. I will describe this by using the analogy of chess that a woman says, “I am going to keep you (the pawn) right here and I am going to go back here and see what this guy (the knight) is talking about and play with him for a while”. So who do you want to be, the pawn or the knight.

To avoid getting into the friend zone (and not being the pawn) here are some tips that I have found to be useful to increase your dating chances with that dream girl:

- If you are not sure if she feels the same way that you feel, you should not “get heavy” with her. This will backfire on you will become disappointed;

- Do not exhibit court like behavior. This will drive her to think that you are buying her love and tricking her to like you. Also if she is not attracted to you then your actions are pointless.

- Do not confess anything you feel to her if you are unsure about how she feels. Yes I know that you have heard that you should be honest. But as they protect their feelings, you should protect yours as well.

In the end you really have to be honest with yourself and say that if what you want out this mate is a friendship or a relationship. I have nothing against women (my mother was one so that helps), but if they are protecting their feelings then why can’t you do the same. This is not an act of selfishness but you have to understand that there is certain behavior that they are attracted to and certain ones they are not.

If you act like the friend (call, be there for her, etc), then that’s what you are going to be. But, if you treat her like a potential dater (ask her on dates, treat her like a lady and not being buddy-buddy with her) then your chances for a relationship can increase. I am not saying to be a jerk, just be less accommodating. It’s important to employ some of these techniques in the beginning stages of meeting a woman or you may end up in the “friend zone”. To the females that are reading this blog it will be greatly appreciated that you provide some feedback about this topic. This post is predominately for the men but your views help this post as well.

The sites provided where helpful with the steps that I just stated as well as issues pertaining to this topic.

Steps in turning your friend into a girlfriend

http://jacquelynsalkini.logme.nl/2007/11/16/5-proven-steps-to-turn-your-friend-into-your-girlfriend/

Secrets women know that men don't.

http://www.pickup-ebook-review.com/2007/11/07/a-secret-women-know-and-men-do-not/

Signing off,
Truly yours,

//s//
Mr. Impact "the online alter-ego"

Black, white, hispanic.....It doesn't matter: Interracial dating

During my adolescent years I was accustomed to being in the vicinity of my own race. This only conditioned me to think that when it comes to finding a partner that you tend to be comfortable dating your own race. But as I gotten older I found myself more prone to welcoming dating another race (white, hispanic, asian etc). I have had the opportunity to experience dating multiple races. Now for me I feel comfortable dating a person in my race. On the contrary I see that interracial dating is not becoming an issue.

As shown in the article posted below, it shows that according to U.S. Census reports, interracial marriages more than doubled between 1980 and 1995. Black/White marriages increased an estimated 96% overall, with marriages between of Black women and White men increasing 171%. Blacks with other races increased a whopping 124% during the same period. So with this whopping increase in statistics where is the problem if any. I tell you where... There is no problem.

People are adamant about putting race aside in order to maintain a successful relationship. There are steps that you take in order to assist in your cultural diversity. Interracial couples tend to focus on their similarities rather than their differences. So now I ask myself; what was the problem dating outside of your race? And I could never find an answer because one did not exist. I am now at an age that I feel comfortable dating someone outside my race and if we share common bonds and can build together and have a strong relationship then I am fine with that.

Now since there are some dinosaurs out there that do not accept interracial dating this part is for you. There can be some interracial dating issue such as acceptance, which culture to follow, friends, background, etc. But we must face it, we now live in a multi-cultural society and that there is a possibility that you will encounter another race. This does not mean that you have to particularly date them; it only means that you have the dynamic opportunity to see your differences and focus on your similarities.

As you also see there are multiple dating sites out there that help you welcome interracial dating. So if there are millions and millions of people that are hopping on this bandwagon then we can all say that there is really no problem and that society is welcoming this behavior.

Here are some sites below that you may enjoy as it assisted me in this blog:

New generation doesn't blink at interracial relationships -
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2006-02-07-colorblind_x.htm

Interracial Relations survey - http://www.askheartbeat.com

Interracial Relationships: Two viewpoints -
http://www.fazeteen.com/summer2000/interracial.htm


Interracial dating sites:
http://www.whitewomenblackmen.com/
http://allinterracialdating.com/


Signing off,
Truly yours,

//s//
Mr. Impact "the online alter-ego"

Eat the cake Atta Mae: Abusive Relationships

Welcome back to another edition of The Impact Place, I am your host Mr. Impact "the online alter-ego." As I stated in my latest introduction, this next blog will be on Abusive Relationships. What prompted me to discuss this topic was the ramped increase in abuse in relationships (physical, emotion, sexual or etc). As I researched this topic, the abuse is mostly men on women. Some of my points may be made from a male on female abuse point of view. Now if there are any men reading this blog and you find yourself exhibiting this behavior, please come and find me so I can tell it to you that you are a disgrace to society and you really need serious help. I have had many (mostly female) friends that have endured these types of relationships, and to be quite honest with you, it makes me sick. Mostly because a mate has self-esteem issues and or does not know how to maintain a healthy relationship. Now maybe the abuser never lived around a healthy relationship environment and violence is the norm that is set for relationships. So this behavior is exhibited on the abuser. But as I discussed these issues with the victims they all say the same thing “I don’t know what to do.” Well since I am not in a position of a victim (because I never been abused) I can’t speak from experience. Now let’s think about this for a second and say that you have a relationship and the man is abusing the women. I honestly think that the abusers choose their pray and they just don’t do this type of behavior with anyone. This is calculated so that the abuser gets what they want. Now for me being on the outside I don’t know what the hell it is that you want and by obtaining it through abuse is not the answer. So to the abusers I say that whatever you want … get it your damn self. You should not compromise your relationship, your integrity and someone’s beauty because of your selfish ways. I figure that I show that there are different types of abuse that can be displayed in the relationship.

There are certain types of abuse and they are described below:

Emotional abuse – This when the abuser do things to put your down, calls you names, wants you to stop spending time with friends and family. This can at times be more damaging as physical abuse because this hurts the self-esteem of the victim through the ways of words and actions.

Physical abuse – This involves any kind of abuse that extends to punching, kicking, slapping, pushing, shoving or even threatening to inflict bodily harm to you.

Sexual abuse – This can be in forms that you may be forced to have sex against your will. Rape can be a form of this behavior.

All the forms of abuse that I just describe make me nauseous as I continue to write this blog. People do these acts as they try to maintain dominance in their relationships. Well hey, if this is a way for them to say that they are in charge in the relationship then guess what (this may be hard to grasp, brace for impact); you are not in charge at all. They are doing this simply out of fear that they are not in control. I always thought that they do not know how to continuously please their partner so they move on to these antics to keep them around. Now they next question is, if you are getting abused then why don’t you just leave?

Well I have asked this question to many victims and they say that it is not that easy and that they don’t know. They stay around for multiple reasons such as;

- Staying committed to the relationship;
- Maintaining financial stability;
- Fearing to ask for help because of scrutiny;
- They don’t feel strong enough to leave because of the power that has been taken away from them by their abuser; or
- They are afraid of what will happen when their partner leaves.

These reasons give them a justification that they can pitch to their support system when they are posed with the question of “why do you stay?” Now I honestly think that up to a certain point you can’t help a person that does not want to help themselves. There are many programs in the system that is set to help you deal with or avoid this type of behavior and if you do not utilize these then I can’t exercise any sympathy for you in the end. I do not want to sound cold hearted because as I stated before I do not condone this behavior. Now I know that may sound cynical but we have all witnessed friends and family that continue to stay around and we become a bit hesitant to assist because this has became the norm in the relationship and if they do not want out, you are not going to help them.

When you are abused in a relationship, there are things that are taken away from you like your self-esteem, your rights, respect and etc. Now think about the respect portion of this; if you were at work with your peers etc and you was disrespected, would you allow for this behavior to continue. I bet the answer is no and of course it should be. So what makes the respect in a relationship any different? You have rights in a relationship and with that aspect all of those rights will continue to dwindle and be violated one by one until you have no rights at all. Then your mate is coming home and telling you what the hell to do. There is not much to say, because the power is now given to them.

I have come across many people who have been abused and noticed that they want out of the relationship but do not know how. Well I can tell you that it is a process and you may have to go through it alone or maybe with family and friends. It is ok to ask for help because this is the first sign that you want to let go. You should stay away from your partner as much as possible. They will try to continue to contact you as they still have emotional ties to you. Also go and take out a Restraining Order (if it is that serious) and the police department should be happy to accommodate you. Now bear in mind that you are not the only one that is going through this issue so the protection programs are overworked and highly underpaid. But they will do their best to uphold the law. Then if you really want out then you can file for a divorce (this is with the intention that you are married). As this is putting your partner on notice that you do not want to deal with it anymore and you are a better person.. You have to understand that when you are abused that the person takes you for granted and does not really care about you. Now please do not give me this love thing. Love does not allow you to scar someone or take their identity away from them. I am very indifferent against that statement when it is made.

In the end you need to know that you are worth something. By staying around in this relationship you damage everything that you stood for. You do not know who you are and you do not love yourself anymore. I know that getting out of it is easier said than done because of circumstances (being accustomed to the behavior, society, financial responsibility etc), also you can do bad all by yourself and you do not need that person in order to exist. They do not define who you are and only you can do that. Once you are tired you will let go and it is a process that you have to be committed to make. Also before you get back into the next relationship be sure that you are not doing it for the wrong reasons and do not continue to perpetuate the abuse cycle. It is not your fault that this behavior continues and you should not hold yourself accountable. For the people that display this abusive behavior, I think that you should find out what it is that you gain by this behavior and whether really feels that it is right or wrong.

Signing off,
Truly yours,

//s//
Mr. Impact "the online alter-ego"

Tune into next week

Hey family, this is Mr. Impact "the online-alter ego" and I am coming to you every week and discussing new topics about relationships. Thus far the cooperation has been tremendous and I thank you for your support. Tune into next week where we will talk about "Abusive Relationships". I know this will get heated family. So buckle up for this ride and lets see who can stay on or get off.

Signing off,
Truly yours,



Mr. Impact "the online-alter ego"

Waiting for tonight, Part 2

Welcome back to Waiting for Tonight. This is Part 2 of this segment (Please ensure that you have read part 1 before proceeding). I am your host Mr. Impact “the online alter-ego”. We last left off when I was initially unsure that I should go out to the club with a female friend. After further contemplation and advice from others I was confident to hit the “club scene” with my friend. During the course of the day I made sure that I was going to look my best. I even spent 3 (yes you heard me) hours in Potomac Mills to find something to wear. My uncertainty about this night continues to wear off as I approached our time to proceed to the club. My digital clock strikes 9 as I head out the door to meet her and her friends. We all got along fine and I was calm and relax (I wonder if this was assisted by the Hennessey and Heineken from Fridays’ that I had prior to our meeting). We proceeded to the Nation’s Capital and enjoyed our ride up Interstate 95 as we headed to Club H20.

We get out of the car into a cold Friday night and were met by the line in front of our targeted party destination. The more we stood in the line to wait, the more confident and now anxious I was becoming to start this night and enjoy the time with her. She seemed to show interest and excitement up to this point. I always wonder if females changed when they get around their friends and go to a party scene (i.e. club). This was not the case as she did not change her style or attitude and this drew me closer to her as the night continued. We have all seen those times when you go out with your friends and they seem to become something that you are not accustomed to. This makes you become hesitant to continue to deal with them and it could become a complete turn-off.

We had an embarrassing moment as we stood in the “Guest List” line to proceed in the club, when we were told that we were not on the Guest List. The friend that accompanied us to the club insisted that we were on there and it turned out to be the opposite. Some would deem this as an immediate stopper to the night, but it was then suggested that we head to the club next door called Zanzibar. I have heard of this club for many years and have yet to experience what it had to offer. I was immediately filled with excitement as we headed to the line. Once we entered, I instantly proceeded to my favorite spot in a club (you guess it…the bar). After I was relaxed and comfortable that we were in the club I was ready and willing to have a great night. We danced, laughed, and smiled the night away to the sounds of Beyonce, Jay-Z, T-Pain and many more. I really enjoyed myself and was even more interested as she looked sexy, radiant and any pleasing adjective that you can think of in the dictionary. As the end of the night drew near, I was overjoyed with this proposition and hoping that this would not be the last time and there are many more to come.

In conclusion, I am pleased overall that she asked me to accompany her to the club. Once I thought about accepting her offer, it occurred to me that it was an honor for me to be approached about being her company. It does not matter what you do, or where you go but only that you spend the time with the people who enjoys you the most. If I would have declined the offer, I believe that it would have been for selfish reasons and she does not deserve that type of behavior. when men go to clubs we want to meet and greet with other females as well. This can be for several reasons. The dynamics of this change when you have a female friend with you. This is especially if she is interested in you. You must carry yourself in a respectable manner. I think this can also serve as a way for you and your partner to observe each other in the public atmosphere. If you are comfortable with yourself in being in those surrounding you can carry yourself if a manner that will be pleasing to you and her. Until next time join me in “The Impact Place”, where we will discuss many more topics.

Singing off,
Truly yours,

//s//
Mr. Impact “the online alter-ego”
p.s. Ms. Julie, was this less formal.

Waiting for tonight, Part 1

Just the other day, I was asked the question, “Hey do you want to go to the club with me and my friends on Friday night”? Once this inquiry crossed my mind I immediately braced for impact. Reason being that it is not often that I would go with a female or someone I am dating out to the club scene. As I continue to ponder, I answered her with confidence and said …………. Yes!! Now it brings us to Friday with the thought of oh lord now I am about to go into the club with another female. You may now ask “what’s the problem”? Through my early dating experience (which is from 18-24), I never believe that it would be good “practice” to go to the club with another female. This is especially if you are looking to enhance the relationship. My rationale behind this is the “clinging to your mate theory”.

We have all seen the man or the women who stays attached to their partner the entire time in the club and not allowing that person to enjoy the atmosphere (this is totally not me). So bearing this in mind I admittedly was a bit skeptic about the scenario. On the contrary I asked myself “why would I not go”? I only came with one answer and that was “no reason”. I have now come to the point in my life where it is all about having fun and enjoying the people around you. Maybe during my early years my response would have been negative. That’s because now I understand that it is more than just looking at the opposite sex, trying to bump and grind or etc (whatever you do at the club scene with your friends, don’t lie). I feel excited and thrilled that I was asked to accompany them to the club. I believe with the company that I will be around that this will be a great night and I look forward to having many more. So stay tuned as I write part 2 of this story.

Signing off,
Truly yours,


//s//
Mr. Impact “the online alter-ego”