During the course of the weekend I was presented with an abundance of topics that I had the opportunity to share with the public. Over the next 7-8 weeks I will be writing about relationships. Now the great concept behind relationships is that we all have an opinion and can give advice from time to time. It took me a while to figure what I was going to write about for this week, but this particular incident that was presented to me peaked my interest and I became convinced me to write about it. This first incident comes from a 22 year old black female, who is dating a 36 year old black male.
She confronted me about this issue stating that he has the “itch” for marriage in the next 3-4 years (we all know of heard of this itch before). For the female, she feels that she will not be ready in taking a step of that magnitude and that her companion is pushing this issue a bit too much. By him applying this pressure and continuously relaying his position to her, she is currently losing her interest in him. They have been dating for over a year and things have been great. But now she is at a point where she feels that she is not ready to discuss that part of her life right now and that his agenda does not typically fall within her plans. If she continues to go down this path she feels that this discussion about marriage amongst other things could hinder the longevity of the relationship. Once she discussed this with me, I was determined to give my synopsis.
What is on your agenda?
The problem presents itself with the difference in the age being 14 years. We all say that age is nothing but a number, on the same token there are places you should be in your life and decisions that you will be adamant in making. This age difference brings in additional conflicts such as education, financial stability, security, longevity, family values, relationship experiences etc. If an individual is at this point in his life, it is expected that he is looking for a person to settle down with because there is nothing more out there to search for and it should be expected that he has experienced a great deal more than his younger companion. If you have a younger soul mate, you should be careful as to how you approach the issue. This is due to growing potential that still needs to be met and experienced to make beneficial decisions in his/her life. This does not mean to not date an older or younger companion. Just be aware of your expectations and the potential of your companion.
This all goes back to initially communicating with you partner. You should ask those questions that we feel or deem not important as 1) Where do you want to be in the next 5 years?; 2) How many kids would you like to have, if any? 3) What goals do you have? etc. What these inquiries will do is allow you to make that informed decision about you dealing with your companion. We fail to communicate and relay our expectations and think that our companions are mind readers. Your relationship is going to only be as effective as your communication. I continuously have friends who tell me about breaks in their relationship and it all goes back to communication. You have to know about their values, likes, dislikes, preferences and etc. We cannot continue to plan our lives with only our expectations and without input from our soul mate. If you continue to head down this path you can potentially find yourself searching for another soul mate. Let’s just hope this time you have the age issue rectified. In closing, I am not relaying that you should not have a relationship with a older person, but make sure that your goals, experiences, desires and etc are on the same path and wave length to maintain a healthy relationship.
Here is a site that gives you a better perspective on this issue - http://www.realsexedfacts.com/relationships-age-difference.html
This article was insightful as it educates the reader on difference in values, experiences and goals that are set forth from an older person vice the young mate. It validates my point that if you was to choose to have a relationship that holds a significant age difference, ensure that you take to time to effectively communicate your issue and differences with them prior to having a healthy relationship.
Until next time
Signing off
Truly yours,
//s//
Mr. Impact "the online alter-ego"
8 comments:
I feel like age is just a numbe but only when the emotional maturity matches or surpasses the physical age of the person in question.
If a person is put through a lot of hardship while gowing up they emotionally maturity grows at an exponential rate. e.g. A girl is taught the values of responsibility and independence from her parent(s). She has a child young and immmediately takes on the role of a good mother, and doesnt look for a handout from mom or grandma. She emotionally is matue and beyond he yea.
Another example would be having to deal with the "hood" environment...but again the person brings "sound" parenting to the table where they were taught the importance of independence, self-reliance, and decision-making responsibility.
Hmmm let's stop there....It boils down to parenting.
The converse of what I've been stating would be parents that overly baby their children (mama's boys, daddy's girls etc). A child not having to make alot of decisions for themselves nor having to face the responsibility of the decisions they make never really emotionally mature. If they were constantly told what to do and not given room to fall down and pick themselves back up, because of over-protective parents emotionally not on the level they should be.
So without examining a persons upbringing you can never really gauge their emotional level. Hmmm
think of it like this...these are some red flags...
If a person beyond the age of 21 is talking about alot of childhood events in their life, talking about what mama and daddy did or did not do...emotionally they haven't reconciled within themselves. Conversly, if a person is talking about how thing in their life right now are going on without links to the past...there's abetter chance they have reconciled with their past.
Check out :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auIcE0Lu8xU
and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rbsU-S-NRY
Funny you should write about this topic: I had dinner with a great friend who admitted to me that she (early thirties) was dating a new guy (early twenties). I was thrilled for her because it's one of those strange "taboo" subjets: the older woman/younger man scenario.
A few notes: you don't have to be so formal. If you want, you can make up pseudonyms for your friends. Also, keep watching for those little word usages...
I totally get you on this. I have this tendence of always getting asked the "when are we going to get married" or "have you thought about you and me and the bigger picture". You are so right about the communaction factor most people fail to discuss this important topics and when the relationship crumbles they are confused on the cause. For me I make sure to as those question mostly because I have alot of goals I would like to accomplish before marriage.
Has your friend had a talk with her boyfriend, like you said communaction is everything and maybe if she tells him how she feels he'll stop bringing up the subject.
Nice post, Mr. Impact. I can totally relate to the whole age issue; let's just say I have a few stories of my own. Good start for your blog and nice hyperlink- it supported your topic really well.
Later,
Doc Banter
I do understand about the difference between ages. I beleive before entering a serious relationship both parties need to understand what each other bring to the table. Both automatically have different priority and goals in life because both are at different stages of their lives. One person could be starting to college and the other might be finishing grad school.
Good job on breaking down different issues and views.
Hmmm. I think I would have said hell no in my younger years too. But nowadays, I would have probably said yes. I would have kept my distance from her and her girls for at least the first half of the night. Then the latter half, after she is tired of the mundane club conversation, and feeble attempts of club guys hitting on her. I would shift my focus toward making her feel like million dollars. I would have tried to make her the envy of her girlfriends. Tell her how beautiful she is, etc, etc, and hopefully make it one of the most memorable nights for her.
Just another tool to gain more grounds in the friendship/relationship. But the next time she asks you... Gotta say no :-)
Hmmm. I think I would have said hell no in my younger years too. But nowadays, I would have probably said yes. I would have kept my distance from her and her girls for at least the first half of the night. Then the latter half, after she is tired of the mundane club conversation, and feeble attempts of club guys hitting on her. I would shift my focus toward making her feel like million dollars. I would have tried to make her the envy of her girlfriends. Tell her how beautiful she is, etc, etc, and hopefully make it one of the most memorable nights for her.
Just another tool to gain more grounds in the friendship/relationship. But the next time she asks you... Gotta say no :-)
Communication is the key in any relationship, whether you and your partner are the same age or if there is a 20 year age difference.
There does come a time when a huge age difference might cause problems. Each person is at a different point in their life. I am 22 and the thought of settling down and getting married soon is not very appealing to me. At 22, fresh out of college, it is now time to live, see everything that the 36 year old has seen. You never want to move faster in life than you are ready or you will be looking back later in life having regrets.
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